Father forgive me for I have sinned. It’s been 2 weeks since my last crime post. Nothing special happened though. Just the odd mob raiding a police station to lynch a suspected robber and a couple of guys involved in some castration. Tons of minors were also raped but that goes without saying. I have finally tired of the pedophile stories so I will hence only pick out the more exceptional pedophile endeavors.

Let’s look to this week: A 13 year old girl was raped (that was quick). We also have a pretty mean robbery and rape but don’t worry, the victim was over age. The report is also littered with some violent crime and look out for the first ever spiritual murder – The game has been changed.

Residents of Kokomlemle woke up on Thursday to the grisly sight of a man who had been battered bloody. The man (known as Rasta) was said to have been attacked by unknown assailants earlier that morning. I know some of the residents were pissed and felt their morning had been ruined but I bet you Rasta would switch places with you any day.

“I heard him scream at dawn and we woke up to see him injured and lying in a pool of blood…,” a resident told reporters. Another resident noted it was common to see persons being attacked so maybe this was just any other Thursday for them. “Normally, I walk without phones and other valuables at dawn but when they attack you and notice you don’t have phones or any valuable, they would beat you up as well,” – no chill. Here’s a solution, carry round a yam to give out to muggers.

Speaking of chill it apparently took an announcement from Adom FM to get an ambulance to the scene to convey the victim hospital. Only God (well not only) knows how long Rasta was lying on the street. He lucked out that time.

Let’s get the child rape out of the way  now: A lotto writer, Gideon Yaw Nutekpor (Damn Ewes) allegedly lured a 13 year girl into his room, raped her and locked her under his bed – nope, no chill here too. This number nine has apparently been charged with only rape and I would have thought some form of kidnapping charge would have featured but oh, this is Ghana. Females are tools and there is absolutely nothing wrong with just stashing one under your bed like a portable vagina against her will. I say “like a portable vagina” but isn’t that what all women really are, portable vaginas.

The suspect was arrested after he returned home to find the victim unconscious and he raised an alarm claiming he had no idea how the girl portable vagina got into his room. Nutekpor appeared before an Accra Circuit Court with charges of defilement of a girl under the age of 16 over his head. I see the law is still in the dark ages. The PC term is portable vagina not girl. They’re acting like this 13 year old had rights and stuff. Nutekpor of course denied the charge.

All this nastiness took place on August 10 around midnight 12 adding to the long list of ominous things that happen at that ungodly hour. How the accused got the victim into his room is beyond me. The report uses “lure” but after the rape he forced the girl under his bed (insert Swaggy P bewildered meme) and stepped out. On his return he found the victim unconscious and all his attempts to revive her failed so he ended up raising an alarm in panic claiming he came out and found someone under his bed so his neighbors rushed and carried the victim out of the room and informed her father about her condition.

When the victim came to, she run her mouth good calling BS on that man’s story. A doctor also confirmed forced sexual contact and the police were involved. This story chills me a little because this man was a step away from a rape-murder but God blessed Ghana with dumb rapists for a reason.

Still in a week searching for some chill, The New Juaben Municipal Police command has arrested two suspected armed robbers who allegedly slashed the throat of an MTN mobile Money vendor after robbing him and two others at gun point at Baatsona last Friday. The suspects went to the vendors under the guise of withdrawing money from their MTN accounts but went on to attack and stealing money transfer codes from them.

The robbers however proved to be real dumb and made this a layup for police investigators. They returned to their base in good old Kof’Town and what do they do? They withdraw money with the very codes they stole – silly asses! Shockingly, these guys were Nigerian and not a sniff of fraud in this story. Why do they have to mess with the program? Leave the robbery and murder to the indigenes and you can have the fraud and con jobs. This is what happens when you forget your place. No one probably gets their throat slashed (or they all get killed) if Ghanaians do this job. The lesson of this story – stick to your preordained crime strata.

The perps have been transferred to the Atomic Police station further investigations. I just realized the report I followed never really specified if the man with a Columbian neck tie lived or died but come on guys, do you really think this man got adequate medical aid in time.

The GH crime report breaks new ground today. A 15-year-old boy has died after he claimed a woman stabbed him in his dream. Kwame Abeka died 3 days after his mysteriously insidious dream. Prior to his death, Kwame was said to have woken up to find blood on his body and he was rushed to hospital but the doctors at Our of Grace hospital in Breman Asikuma, where he was taken, could not get their heads around what was happening. They initially thought kidney failure but that as not the case.

He was then discharged and his parents were advised to seek spiritual help – Hurrah to the Ghana health system. Again, no chill. Such an asinine cop out. What terms of service do they want again?*scoffs*. Kwame’s parents apparently took the doctor’s advice though and they were taking him for prayers when their boy died.

Now any good police work related to this case starts by looking into any Ewe’s Kwame may have had contact with. Did he cheat on his Ewe girlfriend, did he insult an Ewe man, did his Ewe barber see him after 3 months without a bushy afro, is he an annoying NPP drone? I could go on and on but the point is an Ewe did this, no two ways about it. My petty ass people let nothing and go and Kwame could be paying for his grandfather’s crimes for all we know. Watch yourself people, be nice to Ewes starting with me.

Let’s end this week with a good old robbery cum beat down cum rape. The police have apprehended a 25-year-old taxi driver for allegedly raping his female fare and robbing her in an incident late last month. He robbed the victim of GHc700 along with her Samsung Galaxy Note 4 after battering her bloody and raping her. 90647467.295

The perp, Joseph Allotey, allegedly committed these crime when the victim hired his services from Abeka Lapaz to Darkuman late that night. Upon reaching the Darkuman Junction where the victim wanted to alight, Allottey refused to stop and took her up to a point near a school called Hill Grace Preparatory. There was nothing graceful about what followed. Allotey in proper Ga fashion battered this poor girl bloody till she couldn’t move and then raped her. The forced sex was apparently mediocre so Allotey pulled out a knife (why start now) and took the money and her phone. Bizzare order of events but what do I know.

The police caught a whiff of Allotey during their investigations and apprehended him at his base at Nii Boi Town, a suburb of Accra. The police retrieved the knife and the phone belong to the girl after a search and this perp was screwed. Case closed for Ghana’s finest.

My crime of the week has to be the bizarre spiritual murder. The game is changing peeps. No GH police will be solving that one. Good day y’all

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